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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.